chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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