Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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