i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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