talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize