Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
tonight lets celebrate not being married
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
