Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
