If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
