I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
