Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
