So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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