Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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