I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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