its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
