dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
