the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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