I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
