My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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