I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
