You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
