I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
