Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
