I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
