The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What a dumb baby whore.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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