If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
