Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
