If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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