Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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