Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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