So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
