Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
