I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
