There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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