So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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