My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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