Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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