My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This baby is an asshole
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
