my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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