I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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