My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
