i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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