apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
