if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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