i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
