I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
