My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
