Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
