dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
