I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
