no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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