My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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