Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Even my vagina gasped.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
