My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
