Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
