everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
