Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You ruined the universe
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
