Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
