I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
