Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize