if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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